Did you deliberately decide not to leave when you were supposed to leave by all reasonable calculations? I find when I’m asked questions- I start to think about situations in new ways or how I’ve always thought about them is cemented. I'm late a lot too, so I don't really mind. We are better off alone than with messy trysts. If I got a heads up and a halfway good reason, then it'd depend on how late they anticipate they'll be. All the people in my life that I have had difficult (toxic) relationships with, have also been people who are exceptionally flaky and late perpetually. I have no expectation this will ever happen but I made this list and thought, Wow, I’d respect him if he said that. I know a project will never replace having the love of your life. I didn’t wear a watch at the time and only when I started wearing the watch did I work out what had actually happened – long after the relationship had thoroughly dissolved because she was acting as if I had a thorough lack of respect for her and her time and I was being passive aggressive towards her on purpose. Louder, just in case you didn't hear it down the back! New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I live in NYC so between super hectic work schedules, cab traffic and train delays, people are often late to everything. Silence speaks volumes! To chronically keep folk waiting is either because the person doesn’t care or their life is a disaster they never get out the door in time. It’s the only way. He scapegoated me. #selflove #selfcare #baggagereclaim #selfworthquotes #expressyourself #boundaries #healthyboundaries #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #selfcarequotes #expressyourself #trustyourself #listentoyourgut #listentoyourbody #takecareofyourself #takecareofyou ... Narcissists *always* overplay their hand. 13. You’re situation is really tough, and it is not your fault. I think it drives him crazy that his bulldozing hasn’t been effective, so he is upping the ante by getting physical and setting me up to take responsibility for his mistakes. If it takes me a half hour to shower, dress, do my hair, and put on make-up, and half an hour to get my breakfast, then I know I need to get up by 6:25. I know someone who is almost always late. I guess THIS is the big project I need to tackle. It might not have been what they intended, but their actions do have consequences that shouldn’t only be experienced by you. Another time he simply could have invited me inside but obviously wanted to keep me a secret, so instead of doing that or leaving, he kept me waiting. I didn’t want to do it alone. Woo hoo!!! When faced with the completion of a complex, diificult, or new task, I work it backwards. If you’ve ever pined for a particular person, have some compassion. 30 minutes if made known, 15 minutes if not to include find me in the movie theatre. He would then act like he was shocked or put upon if I ever called him out for his behaviour. I felt so bad for so long after the break up, partly because I was disappointed in myself, but I am finally over him. I often find that a lot of higher ups have risen up the ranks on personality more than ability. 2019 Update: We still stand by this advice on how to date an over-achieving, busy guy, but you may also want to check out our more recent discussions on love, including dating advice for career-driven women and our recent discussion on whether there is an alpha and a beta in your relationship.. You think you’re doing everything right. Ouch – my ego did not like that and I wanted to ‘win’ him over by being the best of the bunch – WTF? I will wait up to 30 minutes if they let me know they are running late. I have tried to explain that her lateness causes me a lot of anxiety and stirs up my feelings of abandonment – but she either dismisses it or apologises and says it won’t happen again – but of course it does! You do matter. I didn’t realize this until one of the directors mentioned it in an email. Hi, Say Something. I know there’s some thought behind the idea that when everything’s in order physically, such as house, desk, car, then what needs to be in order emotionally rises to the surface. Fortunately I do not have an habitual late problem as you describe, but that is how it has been perceived by people who judged me based on evidence that was not taking into consideration all the facts – as I said before – I was late once – in 18 months for my ex who basically jumped on me in an verbally abusive manner in public – a man who didn’t need an excuse to do this to me anyway – and I was late by 5 minutes – no more – after a cross country walk of over 1 hour to get to the place he was cosily sitting already. Oh, and I often just stop making plans with the repeat offenders- just like the non reciprocal people – interestingly enough, they are often turn out to be the same people. I hate the thought. In my work it’s mandatory to turn up on time for meetings and any sessions re in house computer programming training. Calla, ignoring a complete jerk is NOT rude. I had unrealistic fantasies of having an open man-sharing role, where I was a help to both him and his wife. Some don't put much thought into it, but others use their response time to send a clear message about their feelings for the recipient. We have had talks about it and she has certainly improved. Sometimes our gut knows before our head does. There is no lateness gene :). ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. But I know his wife has to “ride” him to be on time to things they do together…I’ve witnessed the phone checks. Not sure what to make of this. You worked up the courage to ask that gorgeous girl out, and now you’re going on a first date. No one ever said something was ’too much’, only too little. (just to clarify I wanted to get to things 15 minutes early – not two hours). Rather I felt like it deeply distressed her and that she felt an immense amount of pressure and worry about letting people down. People kept looking at me, that looking at you to see how your doing/dealing with something. How long will it take me to get there? If they are late once, I'm not pleased but it's not an immediate deal breaker. First dates are always a risk. Even though I wasn't sure what I was doing or where it would lead, I did it anyway. Four hours late to a date??!?! We have the choice to leave – and to stop making arrangements with them when they obviously see us as “less than” them, and treat us disrespectfully. Though that depends on the country I'm in. 10. I only see her around other people and there’s never been mention of the incident ever again. Espresso A good many meetings, presentations etc require one to HAVE to get there early because you must mute your phone, fire up your laptop, reread the agenda and so on so walking in the door right at the start time is actually late. Regardless. It was the maintenance of keeping the addiction stopped, forgiving myself when I caved, that I found hardest. That is your prerogative. I was married for 20 yrs to someone who resisted and refused to tackle projects with me, thus I now have many. I will use those techniques if he does it again. Even if a habitually late person (who is also engaging in people pleasing in some other aspect of their life) recognises that they’re out of order for being late, on some level they rationalise that because they do [whatever the pleasing is] this gives them credits to be late. I’ll be %$#@ed if I won’t take care of me now. Veracity, I recommend looking at some articles and blogs specific to bullying in the workplace, etc. I know what I’m talking about because years ago I was habitually late. It took me a while to figure it out though…. You’re not saying ‘help me’ or ‘fix it please’ – you’re saying ‘no one is treating me this way and getting away with it’ and then you will have to back that with actions so you’ll have to be ready for that. But he feels no responsibility to respond, until HE feels like it. For anyone who struggles with time management and staying organized, I suggest a visit to her website. And Calla, I think he is also priming the “bootycall” pump. Anyways, I know he’ll text back eventually (he always does). Don’t They Care About Me? He’s not doing anything but being his uninterested-in-more self, enjoying your ego strokes. Sorry, not trying to change the topic, but the chaos connection between organized with time and organized with stuff struck me this morning. Get inspired to do a project look at these websites (below). Does anyone relate to what I’m trying to say? If the guy is late and shows up and is genuinely sorry, let it slide. Too bad so sad if no one is there when they turn up – late as usual. My father would often be late to pick me up from after school activities – mostly because he was chatting to a woman. He was a TOTAL people pleaser too. It’s been this way from day one. @ Veracity – some more. “You do like me, don’t you?” is what it sounds like. The Real Reason Some of Us Are Chronically Late Being late is stressful, but for many, it beats the alternative. Balance restored. He completely refused to listen to what concerned me or make adjustments that would make things less stressful for me. Being late? Recognising that it's impossible to get a past need met in the present because the past doesn't exist any more, much as it pissed me off, it also liberated me from having to continue with habits like people-pleasing, perfectionism and over-responsibility. 10.At least you were honest about what you wanted and how you felt – I couldn’t even do that much. I added a note above about thinking someone (his subordinate?) In general I think being late is a complex topic. I appreciate your input and patience with the long-winded post. You might feel that if you can make it on time to things, that other should be able to do the same. Unfortunately the best recourse is often to find another job. It really depends on the circumstances. Walk all over me, and I’ll lie down and let you.” We’re each responsible for ourselves only, so we can never blame the tardy person for the way they make us feel, or for our waiting around. So you see, all you’re saying are just excuses for something that can be easily corrected. But there are times when you have to start documenting things and know when to quit, file a formal complaint etc. If someone has an addiction would your advice be to “just stop doing that”? She didn’t seem to interested after two dates, so I didn’t bother asking for a third. I have been on Match.com for about 3 months and there were 3 men I really liked and hit it off (not at the same time; although I listen to your advice and try to date as many men as possible so I won’t over focus on one guy). The way a guy dates you in the beginning sets the tone for how he will treat you for years to come. terrible traffic or emergency) and are genuinely apologetic, are not very late (e.g. If you show up 18 minutes late, she still gets paid for the 50 minutes or whatever. Maybe my words rang so true because I have lived it too. Talk yourself up but also you’re keeping yourself in your boss’ sights which is necessary at times). It’s causing you grief, and is 100% within your control to fix. It comes from being an over-responsible kid who thought that not appearing ’weak’ or like I had ’too many needs’ was my j.o.b. Sometimes we put our hand back into the proverbial fire because we’re trying to be ‘nice’ or ‘giving’. Quick and to the point – no messing. Total inconvenience either way though…, Once and first time round though and not letting such be an occasional thing that I put into practice for the late comers (friends, family or otherwise). But then it just got too annoying and irritating! I have never felt comfortable with her and it just hit me this morning when she turned up late after spending the night 10 minutes away from work that her lateness is a symbol of something deeper. I did some of my best work, but I definitely learned my lesson…blah. 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